His DrOll Majesty Zero the First’s Original Speech
UpOn His ElevatiOn tO King Of FOOls, Occidental CA 4/2/05
Regarding SNIGGLES, SNARFS, SNARLS and the ZERO GREETING.
“HOW THE SMILE DOTH SNIGGLE SNARFS”
(as originally published in “The Boogie Bay Navigator”, April 16, 2005, issue)
Inasmuch as... mOreOver therefOre and...and furthermOre...hOwever... UnaccustOmed as we are (the ROyal We)...But! Since Otherwise it wOuld behOOf an unherd-Of amOunt Of Sniggles -- YES! SNIGGLES! But mOre abOut that later.
SNARFS are abOut a lOt tOO, these days, and as my FIRST ROYAL DECREE, I -- we that is, being grumpily plural, hereby prOclaim “NO MORE SNARFS ALLOWED IN THE KINGDOM OF ACCIDENTAL -- er, BOXYRENTAL -- er, OCCIDENTAL! SNARFING must be replaced at all times by SMILING. SOme Of yOu may ask, “What is a SNARF?” Well, it is shOrthand -- an acrOnym if yOu prefer -- fOr “SASHAYING NERVOUSLY ABOUT with WRINKLED FOREHEADS.”
SO then, sOme Of yOu may ask, “What is SMILE shOrt fOr?” We might say, if sO asked, that it stands fOr “SIMPLY MEANDERING IN LOVELY EUDAEMONY.” But we wOuld nOt reply, because this wOuld lead tO the next questiOn, “What is EUDAEMONY?” And I --we, that is -- me, ZerO, King Of FOOls, wOuld have tO explain that “EUDAEMONY” is Greek fOr “YOu the mOney” Or “Right On The MOney” Or in current slang, “Right ON!”
But if all Of that is just Greek tO yOu, just SMILE anyway. SMILING is BOtOx withOut paralysis -- are we all SMILING? GOOd!
We nOw will prOclaim and demOnstrate the “ZerO Greeting,” which will nOw replace all Other fOrms Of greeting within the KingdOm Of ACCIDENTAL -- er, BOXYRENTAL -- er, OCCIDENTAL! Smile, stand On One fOOt -- preferably placed behind yOu in ‘figure-skating pOsitiOn,’ place right thumb tO nOse and wiggle all Other fingers. Then stick Out yOur tOngue. KnOwn traditiOnally as the “Nyah Nyah!” gesture, we are by ROYAL DECREE naming it the “ZERO GREETING,” alsO useful as a ‘GOODBYE’ -- the Occidental variatiOn Of ALOHA, if yOu wish. Of cOurse if yOu ZERO GREET a NOn-Occidentalian, yOu can tell right away that they are nOt lOyal subjects – Or perhaps nOt subjects at all but uninfOrmed visitOrs -- because they will SNARF at yOu -- that is, “sashay abOut nervOusly with wrinkled fOreheads.” If that happens, it’s a gOOd idea tO SNARL the SNARF away. It is the SNARL THAT SNIGGLES THE SNARFS! (In the appendix tO this prOclamatiOn, I attach hOw tO SNARL the SNARFER.) After which yOu might think abOut meandering quickly away. SNIGGLE, by the way, is shOrthand fOr:
SUMPTUOUSLY NAVIGATE in INNER GORGEOUS GIGGLING LAUGHING EUPHORIA
IN SUMMATION, my gOOd and drOll subjects, I repeat: “NO MORE SNARFS! SMILE -- that is, SIMPLY MEANDER IN LOVING EUDAEMONY, keeping the “ZERO GREETING” ready. Because when yOu ZerO Greet a SNARF successfully, it SNIGGLES the SNARF! And what dO we call a SNIGGLED SNARF? We wOuld have tO chant the SNIGGLED SNARF’s sOcial security number tO find Out, because each # is very much just whO they are! BenevOlently,
KING ZERO THE WUNDERWEIGHT II, KOF (ahem!)
APPENDIX - How to SNARL: SMILE, and then inhale a full throaty Snore via nostrils and mouth. Maintaining the same SMILE, exhale by gargling a French ‘R’ out through the nose and mouth, tip of tongue vibrating the front palette behind the upper teeth (“THHHHHH”). Finish by popping your thumbnail on your upper front teeth.